It's Not My Mud

Ever felt out of place? Like a cow out of a pasture? Or a pig out of mud? (I was going to say "fish out of water" but that's too cliche). Well, anyways, I found out that I definitely feel out of my "mud" when I'm in a fancy clothes store. See, they probably even have names for those types of stores, like "men's fashion" or something like that - I just know them as "fancy clothes stores".

It started because I needed something nicer than a t-shirt and a little more casual than a button-up dress shirt. So, after making a couple trips to Goodwill, I came to the conclusion that they didn't have the right stuff for me. I'm not trying to bash Goodwill, it's my favorite store in the world! I've found wetsuits, rollerblades, jackets, and tons of other awesome deals there; but in regards to "low-high-end" apparel, it wasn't doing so hot. So, like any fashion deprived young man would do, I asked my aunt for advice and off I skipped to Eddie Bauer and Van Heusen. Off to play with the big boys.

Now, actually, I was fine at Eddie Bauer, they had outdoor gear to keep my mind off of fashion. But, Van Heusen, wow, Van Heusen. That place made me tense up the minute I got in! Perfectly dressed saleslady, big large man looking at dress shirts with his wife, and me - trail running shoes, jeans, and a frighteningly neon orange and gray fleece zip-up.

I tried to walk calmly around the store while trying to figure out if you were allowed to unfold and try on the pieces of art the people there called shirts, or whether you had to just buy it and hope for the best. After choosing some different articles of clothing I walked towards the back of the store, and the nice saleslady showed me to the fitting room where I soon realized that I didn't even like the clothes. That was when I encountered another problem - what was I supposed to do with the three things that I didn't like. Should I leave them on the bench and walk quickly out of the store? Or, put them all back in their places? Aah!

I actually stayed in there for awhile trying to solve this dilema. Eventually, with courage, I went out, and nonchalantly acted like I was checking out other shirts while secretly putting things back. I was so close to getting the last shirt back when the saleslady started walking towards me - I was caught. Using my Boy Scout evasion training I dropped down on all fours and quickly crawled around a corner and hid inside a circular rack of fat business men shirts. I thought the lady saw me but she kept walking. After waiting there for about half a minute I crawled out - but the lady was still there! She looked startled. I was also startled and mumbled something about dropping a quarter before handing her the shirt and quickly making my exit. Very awkward.

Sorry, I lied, that didn't happen. I did try and sneak the clothes back onto the racks, but no Boy Scout tactics were involved. Now, some of you may be laughing, but just remember that fancy clothes stores just aren't my thing. Stick me on a mountain at sundown and I'll make it out. Give me snow and a shovel and I'll sleep in a snow cave. Throw me into a foreign country and I will thrive. But don't send me shopping on my own. It's not my mud.